I am
I am the one that you do not see,but not cos I don't want you too.
I am the one that you tease in grade school,
for I was funny looking.
I am the one that you stayed away from in high school,
because of my point of views.
I am the one you turned to with you problems,
because I seemed to understand.
I am the one that female considered a friend,
but not cos I wanted to be more.
I am the one who stands in a corner,
but not cos I don't wanna participate.
I am the one that you laugh at,
but not cos I did something funny.
I am the one that you think you understand,
but someone who is never understood.
I am the one that you do not see,
even if I am standing right in front of you.
I am the one that can never understand you,
but not cos I don't wanna.
I am the one who sings to himself,
but not cos I have a bad voice.
I am the one who crys himself to sleep,
but not cos I am alone.
I am the one who write his emoshions on paper,
but not cos I can't say them.
I am the one who wears his heart on his shoulder,
but not cos I haven't been hurt.
writting over 3 yrs, and will add more to it
As you sleep
I lie awake watching you sleep
wondering why you are by my side
Knowing that words could never express how I feel
wondering if you will ever know
Ever so gently brushing you hair away from you face
Quietly listening to you breath
feeling you heart beat
holding you ever so gently as not to stir you
Listening to your wordless murmer
Wishing that this molment will never end
But know that it must for I must go to work
Wondering what you are dreaming about
and if I am in them
Wanting to look into your eyes
for I love to stare into them
learning more about you from behind them
Hoping that this time it will work
Scared that it will not
Looking that the time
knowing that I must leave your side for a while
but knowing that I will be back soon
ever so quietly, I move from you side
Looking back once more
feeling like I am looking at my soulmate
but something is wrong also
Slowly I walk away closing the door
And leave you to your dreams
written in the summer of 96
Goodbye
I watch as she packs her stuff
wondering where it when wrong
but know that this couldn't have work
somehow, wishing it would have
We don't say a word to eachother
for once in our live
we have nothing to say to eachother
I should be mad
but I am not
I should be sad
but I am not
Somehow she did both of us a favor
by cheating on me, she save me
Saved me from making the mistake
of giving up everything in a way
I have the time now to focus on other things
in a way, I was solving her probs
like I do for everyone!
I help her load her stuff into the truck
tearless we stare at eachother once more
as she say she never meant this to happen
I just quietly nod
still not able to say anything to her
I watch her open the car door
as I close it for her
she starts the car
and drive out of my life
I slowly turn and walk away
And close the door on this relationship
writting the fall of 96
The Bridge
I stand at the edge of the bridgeLooking at the water below
Wondering if it will embrase me better,
then the ppl have in my life.
Yearning for the comfort of death
But knowing that it will not give me peace
For I know that it will not work
I will be brought back in another form
An will have to go though this all over again
but with more pain than now
Slowly I lay down
stareing up at the sky
beholding the beuty that is up there
wishing I could hold it
Knowing that will never find that kind of buety in my life
I quietly embrass myself with a sigh
hugging myself know I am the only person
that could hold me that way
I lay there and start to cry
but I don't know why
I cry myself to sleep
laying there on that bridge
that know me better then anyone else
for it has been there for everything
And will stand longer then I will
I stand up, brushing myself off
walk away saying goodbye to my dear friend
and knowing that we will see eachother again
writting in the fall of 89
Friend
I sit alone consumed by depressionfor I have lost my last friend
not because of something I do
but to death
I wonder why it happened
and why they had to be so foolish
Looking back wondering what I could have done
then this wouldn't have happened
Maybe all this power is no good
for it didn't help this time
I stand at the coffin of my friend
Looking harder I see myself in there
Scared I step back a little
Now I am the last one alive
of the group of ppl who were kinda like me
I think on why I am still here
and why I haven't taken there course
Am I stronger then they were
or just more stupid then they were
I look at the parent of my friend
feeling very helpless
for I have nothing to say to them
to make them happy
thinking, I have lost a friend
but they have lost a daughter
feeling guilty feeling as bad as I do
for there pain is more then mine
they walk up to me and have a look of anger
even though they aren't really angry at me
they say why didn't you help her
I don't know what to say
for it is my fault
I could have done more
I could have done more!
but why didn't I?
I can't stay there anymore
for I feel all the eyes of anger staring at me
burning though my soul
I must get out of there
I walk out the door
turning around I say goodbye
to my last friend
I leave and know
that I will live alone
for the rest of my life
written in the summer of 91
Dreaming
I am standing in a forest,
surrounded by a pack of wolves.
Instead of feeling afraid,
I feel at ease.
Instead of being uncomfortable,
I enjoy there company.
For they seem at peace.
They seem to enjoy my presents there,
As I enjoy there is.
They howl as if to welcome in there pack,
as I howl back.
Slowly I forget my name,
as I take on the pack name.
For they have choice one for me,
I lose the name Joe,
as I take on the new name.
I lose every part of me,
including my form.
As well as my spirit.
We all leave the forest,
And I leave everything behind.
At that point I always wake up,
feeling refreshed.
And can deal with another day.
written in summer of 99
Graduation
Today I graduate from high school,
scary that I even made to this point.
more scared about what lies ahead,
for didn’t think I would,
At least make it to this point.
My life goal was to make it to this point,
but what lies ahead??
What am I to do??
I have made no plans,
beyond today what happens?
I have to make new goal,
But what?
For once I am scared,
cos I am not in control.
I am without anything,
No plans,
No goals,
and no idea what to do.
I wish for some reason that I could stay,
for everything&everyone is right there for me.
Seating there waiting,
for my name to be called,
and something to come to me.
I hear my name being called,
slowly I walk up.
To get my diploma,
and to move on,
but to what?
written in the summer of 94
Why??
Why do I feel so bad?
Is it for something I did?
What crimes have I commited?
For I feel like a criminal
Why am I the way I am?
Is it cause of my former lives?
Why am I afraid?
Is it cause I have been hurt?
Why am I filled with remorse?
Is it cause of something I did?
Why do I hide in my dark corner?
Is it cause I am ugly?
Why do I not sleep?
Is it cause I am afraid of my dreams?
Why am I an empath?
Is it cause I have hurt a lot of ppl?
Why am I a guardain?
Is it cause I was scornful?
Why am I so anger?
Is it cause of what I have done?
Why am I without friends?
Is it cause I don't open up?
Why am I so depressed?
Is it cause of my medical backround?
Why do I smoke?
Is it cause I am adicted to them?
Why do I not say anything?
Is it cause I have been laughed at?
Why do I not like change?
Is it cause I have had to do it some many times?
Why do enjoy my own company more?
Is it cause I find myself more interesting?
Written in the summer of 98
My Life:
I have the life nobody wants,
for it is the life of a loner.
I live the life as a guardian,
one to protect all.
Yet never to love,
Yet never to love.
I stand alone,
in a crowd of ppl.
I wonder what it is like,
to be accepted by ppl.
To be one of the happy ones,
who don't to seem to have a care in the world.
For I see to much,
I hear to much,
And I know to much.
I live alone cos of the way I am,
not cos I wanna.
I don't date,
cos I know it won't work out.
Not cos I can't love,
but cos I protect.
I know it will happen,
cos of the past.
So I close myself off,
from the rest of the world.
Not to venture out.
