I'm writting even more!
Looking Back!
I know that look back tis not a wise thing to do. But I have been doing it a lot lately. It has a lot to do with what is going on in my life at this time. Right now I am have black-out's and they are getting worse. I'm scared it might be something really bad. Now I am really for death, but it more to the fact of the pain of my demise for my friends and family. I was wondering how much of an effect I have left here. Now I am going to the doctor to get it checked out on monday, and I don't know what to think. Ok, maybe I want too die, but not this way. I want it on my terms, not cos of health probs. I am sorry that I haven't been there for ya lately. But now I hope ya kinda understand why. This has gotten me kinda not talkative. I am looking back over my life and finding that there is something missing in it. I don't know what it is, but there seem to be this huge hole in the middle of me. As if there is one more thing that I am to do before I go, and I won't be able to untill it is done. It's bugging the heck out of me. That is why I don't think that I am gonna die anytime soon. *lol*but that is just a gut feeling. Another thing that I have found is that I am not being fair with ppl. I hold grudges way too ass long. Maybe I shouldn't, and I should change that fact about myself. Then again maybe not. Keeps me from getting hurt again. I also don't let ppl in, but I already went into that in another writting*lol*. I wanna tell everyone I'm sorry if this is worse then I think it is. I hope you understand that when I stop talking to ya, I don't mean an disrespect from it. And that it's not cos I hate ya, or that I think that you are boring. Tis unfortunatly just my way of doing things. I will post put up another writting when I find out what the whole story is behind these black-outs is.Love ya,
Joe.
written June 10, 1999
The darkness from within
The darkness from within is all around me. Consuming everything in it's path. Bring me down, washing away all hope. Keeping me alone, scared to venture out into the world. Watching from behind these wall that I have built. I keep my distance from everything that could possibly bring me happyness. For the darkness clouds my eyes from all that is in the light. I have been hurt to much to trust anyone. Now I no longer remember what the light is like. How it feels against my skin. For the cold darkness pulls me in anytime that I get close to it. The darkness has now become something that I am so used to, I don't know what I would do without it. It has become a way of life. And something that I have now come to grips with. For most ppl it would be something they don't want, but for me I now understand what it does for me. I now understand that I am a loner, and always will be. For me there is nobody that I am to be with. I now understand that for me relationships are not gonna happen. For ppl like me will never find happyness with another person. Our solitude is what is ahead of us. And after a while we embrase it as though it is a relationship. For we are used to that and have grown to like it. I may want it every once in a while, but I now know that it isn't gonna happen. That and I am also doomed to a boring life without any hope.Knowing me
A lot of ppl have thought my writting were good. Thank you for being nice, but I was wondering why. I mean they really aren't about anything, and it really isn't a story. I they are my outlooks on things that go on IRL. Nothing really special. Also a lot of you seem to think that you know me. I will lay that to rest. YOU DON'T! I am sorry it that sounds kinda mean, but it is true. I give ppl little bits and pieces of info about me. But you really don't know the real me and everything about me. Even my best friend in the whole wide world doesn't know everything about it. And in some aspects, I like it that way. If ppl know another person to well, then they start to get comfortable with them. And for me, I seem to always be different from one min to the next. For many of you, it may seem kinda strange to hear that, but oh well. I have always not cared about what other ppl think of me. But that part is getting worse. You all may think that I am the biggest jerk, and in some aspect you are right. I am male after all. I don't really care what anyone things of me, for what they say about me can not be any worse then what I say about myself to begain with. I keep ppl as far away from me as humanly possible. I am comfortable with that. But it is more then that. For when a person know another person, then they in a part have found out everything about that person. And am not like that. They are so many parts of me that I have never showed another person in my life. Not even my parents know everything about me. And I know that nobody ever will. Cos for that to happen, they would be my soul mate. And as I went into, I will not find that person in this lifetime. That is something that I will not have, for the choices I have made, and have been made for me. Anyway, for all of you who wanna get to know me, don't think it will happen. But then again, YA NEVER KNOW!writting july of 99
Why?
I consider myself a pretty open minded person. That is why I personally don't understand why people are against homosexuals. I have a few friends who are. I think that you just don't decide to become that way. If you did, knowing what kinda things that were people were going to do and say to you. Would you do it? I don't think that I could. What bothers me is the holy people. If we were all created in god's image. And we are suppose to forgive and love people for who they are. Not what they look like. Shouldn't we also forgive then? That is a question that I have been pondering for a while now. I mean, they are no different then the rest of us, right. Other then their sexual presence. I mean, some guys like red heads and some brunettes. Is that so different? I guess so to a lot of people. That's what really makes me both mad and sad at the same time. I know those moods don't really fit together well. Then again I'm not your average person. As many of you know by either the writings I have posted or because of the dungeon. I really shouldn't say that I'm open minded about this subject because in a way I'm not. See I really don't have an open mind because of my friends who are. They know that I'm not homosexual and don't ask me to do that. What bothers me is the people who are homophobic. They think that every homosexual will hit on them. That's not true, in fact not true at all. If one does happen to make a pass at you, and you just tell them you don't do that. They will understand and 99.99% not purse it any more. It's not like they don't understand. You just nicely say that you aren't interested. Tis like rejecting anyone else. They feel as uncomfortable about it also. Also, if you have a problem with them. Then I think that you have to take a major look at yourself. There might be some issues that you personally have to look at. And for you christens, you have major probs to began with. Why you think that they aren't part of god own will is just stupid. Anyway, I personally am not a homosexual, but believe that we should all live how we chose. Nobody should judge us upon that. I mean I really don't like anyone who is a member of the KKK. But I don't go out of my way to make their life difficult. Anyway to end this, let them live in peace.
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