More of My Writting
MY DARK SIDE
I have desided to go back to what is more me. I have let the savage beast out and let it take control. I will no longer be the nice guy that everyone thinks that I am. I will no longer be the one you can turn to with your problems. I of course will be letting some ppl in, but not all that many. I have grown tired of being the guardian and trying to solve other ppl's problems. My wolves will be protecting me against ppl trying to get to close that I don't want. They also will not be tempted but you throwing food at them to distract them. If ya wanna talk to me, do it very carefully and don't make any sudden mover at me. For they will bite you back. I have grown tired of everyone turning to me thinking that I am the nice guy. I will of cource still be in the dungeon, but I will be lurking in my dark corner. So ya better watch out cos I will be ready to fight anyone who invades my space. Also don't attack my friends cos I will put up a fight in there defence. I will still talk to ya, just will not say all that much. I have found that the dungeon has had an effect on me. I also have found that this is easier for me to control who I talk to. I really do like talking to some of ya and will talk more on ICQ. If you don't have it and want me to add ya my number is 22963753. And emails I will try to respond to but I'm not very good at that kind of thing. Just to warn ya.
BEING A GUARDIAN
Your probitly wondering what I mean by being a guardian. It means a lot of things. I worry about ppl way to much. The person that ppl turn to when they need help with probs. I have done that my whole life. I always have and probitly always will. Tis part of my personality and there is nothing I can do to change it. Even if I wanted to, and a lot of the time I do. My gut reaction when somebody says that something is wrong is to ask what's wrong. Then I get the whole story, and a lot of the time I don't wanna know. The other problem with it is that I find myself not being able to do anything else but think about the prob until it's resolved. The other thing about being a guardian is that you try to protect ppl from getting hurt. I know that sound wierd but it's true. You care about the person too much and don't wanna see them get hurt. So you do anything you can to see that it doesn't happen. A lot of the time there is nothing that you can do. They need to live and learn, but that is a hard thing for me to do. Just sit back and watch somebody I can about get hurt and do nothing. But then again how are they gonna learn about how not to make the same mistake.
It still has a hold of me!
If you haven't noticed I am sinking deeper into my depression. I really don't know why. I am sorry that I am distanceing myself from everyone but tis the way I deal with things. If ya haven't noticed, which I'm sure a lot have tis the problem I am trying to sort out. The problem is I don't know what making me this way. It seems as of late, everything. I'm hitting the lows and can't get out from them. Everyday seem like I sink a little deeper, even though I didn't think it was possible. They say that once you reach the bottom, there is only one way to go. The problem is that I really don't know where the bottom is. I can't remember when the last time was that I felt this bad. That's the thing, even when I was suicidal I wasn't this bad. Yeah sure I sleep with a knife under my pillow. Not for security reason, just in case I wanted to off myself in the middle of the night and didn't wanna walk and think about it. Just do it. Right now I don't really care about that. Everyday, and every waking second I wanna do it. I really don't see what there is worth living for. I don't care if I die tomorrow. Now in all the years I have lived I have learned that killing yourself is a selfish way of doing things. Another thing I have learn is how much pain you cause other ppl. I have been to too many funerals to know that. But then I start thinking. How many ppl will really miss me? Sure a few ppl will, but slowly they will all forget about me. Until I am forgoten, it goes for the same online in my chatrooms. Or my ICQ list, I will be missed but after a while everyone will forget me. You will all probitly say that I will never be forgoten, but I know better. I have started to forget some ppl myself. Not completely, but if they stay gone for much longer I might. Ppl come and go out of our lives so much that we never truely get to know some ppl. That's what I want ppl to think of me. Not really getting to know me. I choose to stay in my dark corner. I really don't know when I will get out of this depression, nor do I care.........
written 3-3-99
Self-esteem
I know what that word means, but what really is it. So I don't have one, not that I think I want one. I could give ya all the reasons why I don't have one, but I will give ya one. It had to do with my father. I wasn't all that he wanted in a son. I was the problem kid. I think he expected me to be like my sister. I really couldn't be like her, tis imposable. She was the brains and had the looks. How can I keep up with that. So my father used to abuse me. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. Tis one of lifes little curves that they throw at ya. Now you think and say that everyone is abused. But my father used to hit me& verbally abuse me. Tis something that I hide from my mom. Didn't want my mom to be worried. That and there were enough other problems. Now I used to be hit with his fists. Not spankings, though that is ok in my mind. He also used to say that I wasn't worth crap. I learned at a very young age that tis better to keep things to yourself. My father used to tell me if I told anybody that I was dead. So I bottled everything up inside and let it grow there. Then I would explode at ppl that I didn't mean too.
written 3-10-99
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