Some more writtings
Relationships
This is something that I want and don't want at the same time. I'm kinda torn on this one. I personally believe that there is somebody out there for each and everyone of us. Call me a hopeless romantic if ya wanna. But the truth of the matter is that we are all looking for our own soulmate. Some people find it earlier then others, and the others will go though many before they find the perfect one for them. We are all searching for the perfect person. Some of us have found them but don't know it yet because they are to bend on physical looks and not on what's inside. Some people are great looking but are very shallow because they know they look good. I have personally found that the people who aren't as good looking as models are better people inside because they have more to talk about. Not to say that all good looking people are shallow because that would mean that I was stereotyping people without even know them. I really try not to do that, but sometimes it isn't easy. I personally am waiting for the right person to come along. But knowing my luck that person is already dead*lol*. I really don't care about what kinda person it is because love is blind. Love knows no bounds. Its something that can't be controlled and when it hits ya, you will not be able to stop it. It controls your every move. Call me a hopeless romantic if ya wanna, but that what I believe. Some people I know fall in and out of love very easily, but that's not true love. I call that infatuation, because you aren't really in love. You just want one thing. And that one thing controls a lot of people. Sex is a whole different topic I will go into later*LOL*.
Losing Friends
I'm losing friends left and right. I know, if you losing them they weren't your friends to start with. That's advice and things I say to people. I guess it's not really losing them, but more like not keeping in touch with them. I'm not in the same boat as most of them. All of them are in college or still in high school. I don't fit in with them. I work for a living. I really don't have the money to go to school. Not even community college. Sad, but it is more then that. I also don't have the time. I work at least 40 hours a week. The people who I seem to fit in with are adults. Tis been that way for me for a while though. But right now tis because they have been there. Nobody my own age has really had to live on there own. I grew up in a place where the parents had money for the most part. Just about everyone I know is going to college of some kind. And most of them are being supported by there parents. I was told that my father didn't have the money to do that. BULLSHIT! Maybe if he had his priorities right he would. Then again I really don't care. I don't want anything to do with that asshole. If he really cared about his kids instead of himself he could. Also if he did, then he would be on better terms with all his kids. Instead all he cares about is material things. Like his cars, his paintings, his entertainment, and his damn birds. He spends more on those things then he has ever help me and my sister. My sister has stopped talking to him for the most part also and the the funny thing about it. He doesn't understand why, but I do. Anyway, I have lost a lot because I don't have anything in common with them. Musically, socially, or even personally. They are still stuck in high school. Scary as that sound but tis true. I still see them every now and again, but all they want to do is remember the past. I am living in the now-a-days. So tis something that I really don't wanna do. (Now for the newer part)I see them more now, because of where I work. Denny's seems to be the hang-out now. So they come in and ask how I'm doing. Like they understand what kind of personal hell I like in. They will never understand what it means to lose everything and have to start over. The thing that scares me is that I really resent them for that. I know I shouldn't but tis the way I feel. Can't change that, only cope with what you are handed.
Step-parents
Step parents are the most annoying people out there. At least my step mother, and a little bit my step father. I'm not going to get into my step-father because I now like him. But my step mother is a bitch. And as many of you know, I don't use that word often. Anyway, they think that since they are married to one of your parents. That they can tell you how to run you life and give you advice. Even if the other parent is alive. They want you to run your life his they want you to. Not realizing of course that they may not know how you grew up. They think that they're an expert on you life and know everything about you. My step-mother is the perfect example. She thinks she know everything, which I have learn that the minute you say that you know everything. You really know nothing. Besides that she really knows nothing about me. She tells me it's all my mom's fault that they got divorced. That the divorce wasn't my father's fault at all. BULLSHIT!! They were both married at the time. She said that both of their marriages were on the rock. that they just happened to find each other at the right time. At the Lincoln Del. They never knew that I saw them during lunch one day. That still doesn't explain the countless hours my father was gone. I understand that my father is a lawyer and they work strange hours. But for the few weeks before the big announcement, he was gone a lot. Even for him. But back to what I started. She thinks she can run my life. She also thinks that her way is better. Like she's some great parent. Yeah right, I got news for here. All of her kids are fuck-ups. Even my 13yrs old is. All of them have been to jail for one reason or another. And she is telling me that her way is better. I don't think so, not in the least. To tell ya the truth I am glad that I'm not her kid. Because I might have ended like her. I would defiantly wanna kill myself even more then.
No Title, wheee
To start over. The hardest thing to do, yet can be the most rewarding. We all get way to set in our own ways that change can be very difficult. But for me it is even harder. I always have had a very had time adjusting to anything difficult or anything for that matter. Moving out, though I wanted to was a hard thing. Leaving something that I was used to and having to fend for my self. I admit that I have not done the best job of doing that. At times I have had to take steps back. And when the time came to change again, I clam up and refuse even though I know if is for the best. Especially when it comes to working. It is a giant struggle to get a new job. But once I have it, I don’t wanna let go of it. I seem to burn myself out but don’t leave. I tell people that I am gonna leave the place cos I am not happy. Fact of the matter is that I am too scared to actually go out and look for another place so I just deal with it. Turn everything inwards. Making things worse. I don’t actually do anything but just let the anger and resentment eat me up alive. That in a way is why I didn’t wanna go to see a shrink. I didn’t wanna go thought the change even though I knew that it was for the best. I didn’t wanna change the way I was even if it was bad. Granted it could have been a lot worse, but it was bad enough that my life was falling apart by the wasteside. I knew that seeing a shrink and actually telling them what is really wrong, they might be able to help me thought this. But the fact of the matter is that I was scared that my personality might change. I know that sounds really weird, but that’s the truth. My depression had become a part of me that I knew and expected. Wasn’t always fun, but it was always there. Something that I could relay on. But now I see that it hasn’t changed my personality at all. I am still the same person but without the major mood swings or suicidal thoughts all the time. And in some aspects it has made me a better person cos I am able to cope with things a little better. Though change is still hard, but it isn’t like I am trying to push a boulder up a mountain. Which is the way thing used to feel. The meds work for a while, but then seem to pucker out, then we try something else. But none the less they work for a while. And I plan not to give up like I have before. This is something that I have to do. Not for anyone else but myself. Now granted a few things have changed about myself as I go though therapy. Like me caring about everyone’s feelings. Before, although I said that I really didn’t care what people thought of me, I did. Now I don’t! If somebody doesn’t like more or resents me, oh well. You can’t please everyone and shouldn’t try. If somebody isn’t gonna like ya, then they just aren’t. That’s all there is to it. I have also stopped trying to solve people’s problems the way I used to. Granted I still will listen and give advice if I have any advice to give. But I am no longer keeping myself up at night or giving myself a stress headache trying to solve it. I now just listen. No more caring it around like I used to. That has also made me a better person for I don’t worry as much. In the last few months I have found a lot of things about myself. Some good and some not so good. Like my self-esteem. That is something that I am really trying to improve upon. That and being able to take a compliment. To thing that were impossible for me before. Now both of these are gonna take a long time to do. But hey, I got my whole life to try. I no longer wanna die as much as I used to. My self-esteem is getting better but still I still have a long way to go before itis even considered a self-esteem. And as for taking a compliment, my face no longer turns red or my body temp raise at any mention of something good about me. I am also able to list some good qualities about myself at job interviews. That was something that I had a very had time with before. So in all, thing are looking better.
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