Loner
I am a loner, and have been for my whole life. Tis not something that can be changes overnight, so to say. To quote Robert Frost, "and I took the one less travel by, and that has made all the difference." In my life I have done that, and found it better. After almost 23 year alone, tis something I have grown used to. Not too say it is easier for me. But is something that is comfortable for me. As of late, a few people have questioned me on this subject. Tis kinda hard to explain, but here I go. A lot of people need somebody in there life to feel comfortable, someone to talk to. I kinda don't, well not kinda, I don't. I know that sound kinda self-centered, but it is true. I have found that the only person that I can truly count on. Everyone in a way always seem to fade away, or just screw me over. Another question people have asked me is if I wanna relationship. To that one I'm not truly sure on. I mean it would be nice to have one. But I don't think that I am mature enough to handle one. Being perfectly honest, I am not the most mature person in the world. And I don't think anyone could put up with my insane way of thinking. Anyway, back to the subject, I don't think I could live any other way. It wouldn't feel comfortable to me. And I don't like to feel uncomfortable about something that big. I have lived with people and found it very annoying to me. Nothing bad against them, but it didn't feel right. As if I was always looking over my shoulder expecting them to say that I was doing something wrong. Which I was*weg&lol*. Even when I was living with the person I was engaged to, I didn't feel right. That probity should have been the first clue that things weren't gonna work between us. Anyway, living alone isn't all that bad. There are some good points to it. First and foremost, is the independence. The fact that you are the only person that can screw things up with yourself. You seem to have more controller events in you life. You don't have to clear things with another person on something you wanna do. Or buy! The things that you wanna do at any sec, are ok. I don't know how many people could live this way. I guess it something that you just get used to with time.
No reason to live
Sometimes I wonder what keeps me going. And I have been finding myself asking that question more and more. It seems that I have nothing to look forward to. It seems all things have been finalized and I had no part in it. I am working a job that will take me nowhere. I make enough money to get by, but there is more to life then work. At least that's what I have been told. Living single never finding the right woman. If I died maybe that would be the best. Who knows! I don't, and even if I did who's to say that I was right. I can't remember who said it, but I think they had the right idea. When we die, everybody we know mourns for us for a while, and then they forget. Until it's like you were never there. A distant memory that only comes back every now and again. Until we are forgotten. I know that's not a very good way of looking at things, but oh well. In fact tis a very depressing way of looking at things. I'm always telling people not to look this way. There are so many things to live for. There next question is, "What I haven't found anything that keeps me going." I have always been able to find something, but none of these apply to me. I'm 23 going on 60. I know that sounds really weird to say and hear, but tis true. I've gone though a lot in my life. I know, everyone says that and for a lot of people that true. When I was 12 my parents went though a divorce. I know that's a very common thing now-a-days. But it still hurts, and when it happened it wasn't as common as now. Moving out of the place that I called home because my mom could afford it. I thought that it would be home the place I called home for the rest of my life. Not that I would live there, but the place I will always call him because it would hold my memories. Then I moved a lot in the next few years. Not always with my mom. Anyway when though a lot of changes in those few years. And a lot to get used to. I right now don't have anyone there for me. Sure I have my friends, but I need something more. Then again, I don't think that would help. To tell you the truth, I'm surprised that I just smoke cigs right now. Lord know that I am fighting the urge to do those things again. In the end, I really don't have anything to live for. SAD. The 23 going on 60 thing I know sounds different. People always try and act more mature when they are young, but in my case it was true. I was just meeting me you think that I am in the age range of 18 to 20. But talking with me I seem much older. I seem to know a lot and lived a lot though things. I have been called an Old-Soul. I know lots of pepole try and act older then they really are. But in my case I don’t try and act they way I am. I mean I am what I am, there is no point in trying to be somebody who I am not.
Blah
Music always seems to make you feel better, and help you understand yourself. Even though the musician and you have never meet, there is a bond because they have been though it themselves. Granted a lot of the time they express it better then yourself. But then have or are going though the same thing you are. And that can make you feel better because there is somebody else going though the same things that you are. A lot of people have said the same thing, and a lot will say it in the future. The song holds a time when you were feeling something strong. And you relate to it because you have gone though it. And when you are going though the same thing that they are in the song, it gives you strength to get thought it to see that somebody else has. But what do you do when you are at a point that it seems nobody else has been though? Whom do you turn to when it feels as though you are all alone. Granted you know that many people have probity gone though it themselves and might be able to help you. But you know that whatever they say, won’t help you though this. You feel as though the whole world is against you. What do you do then? Do you go postal or do you hide yourself from everyone. The best answer that most people would say is another way which is to talk to others. But what if you feel as though people would view you differentially? What do you do then? I have heard that other people’s opinion doesn’t matter, all that matters is how you view yourself. If that were true, why don’t we live in our own little world never to see another person to either view us differentially or make us feel worse? In fact I have told people that other peoples opinion doesn’t matter. But I unfortunally never listen to my own advice. If I did, I probity be a lot better off.
Holidays
Why must the holiday’s be such a pain in the ass? They always seem to bring me down. Take Christmas and New Year’s for example. I know that they are a time of joy and happiness. At least that is the way they are suppose to go for a majority of people. Not for me, they just seem to make me more depressed then ever. Of course seeing family might be another thing that brings me down. They always pester me with one thing or another. The biggest thing that my mom bothers me about is that fact that she wants grandkids. And that I should be in a relationship with somebody. It’s not healthy for me to be single and not dating for as long as I have been. Sure I have gone on dates, but they didn’t amount to anything. And in some aspects I wonder why I even said yes to go out with them. Because I don’t really have anything in common with them. Then again I don’t really anything in common with anyone for that matter. Another thing my mom pesters me about is school. See I never really went to college. That is nobody else’s problem but mine. See the problem is that my family knows that I’m smart and wonder why I am wasting my time by not going to college. I of course come up with some kind of reasonable explanation, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t know what I want to be. I know that is what you go to college to discover, but why go in the first place if you don’t feel ready. Another reason that I don’t like the holiday seasons, is because something bad always happens during this time to a friend or somebody that I care about. I know that is a bad way of looking at things, but oh well. It is true, every year during the holidays, something happens to make this time of years not seem so cheerful. Another thing is the memory of what has happened over the years adds to everything. So the month of December is one of the worse times of the year for me.
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