MY WRITTING
Dark Corner
People have asked me thought the times why I like dark corners. Why I like them over being in the light. There are many reason’s why I like my dark corners both in real life and though the net. The darkness hides all that you don’t want people to see. And I have a lot to hide. Like one being my looks. Most people say that I am not bad looking, but I beg to differ. I don’t think I am that good looking, in fact I really think I am bad looking personally. I know that might sound harsh, but unfortunately it is true. I have posted my picture over then net, just to prove that I don’t look good. Granted the picture is very outdated, but that is because I really have had my picture taken in a while. I used to be a model(scary as that is). It in a way is something that I shouldn’t be ashamed of, but I am. The money was good, but in a way I was selling out. Many people don’t view it that way but I do. Here is why, I did it to make money. Not because I liked it, in fact I really didn’t like it at all. It was very annoying. Now a lot of people I know think that it is cool that I did it. The fame that you can get, and the attention that it give you. I view it differently. Fame comes at a price. In school I was given a lot of crap because of what I did. Now looking back at it I laugh because in a way the were being that way because they wanted to do it. But they couldn’t. Making the money from modeling and doing commercials was good. but now 23 yr. old, I don’t really have anything to show for it. Not even the money I earned for that was stolen from me by my father. Nice huh*shrugs*, that is in the past and there is nothing that I can do about it now. Another reason that I sit in a dark corner is because of my partial empathy thing. If you don’t know what an empathy is, here you go. I can feel what another person is feeling. Again people thought, and still do that it is cool that I have it. But I view it as a curse more then a gift. It is something that I can’t turn off, even if I wanted to. It is an inbreed thing, part of my genetic make-up. The reason I view it as a curse is because I feel as though I should do something. Try and make that person feel better. It makes it very difficult to have friends when you are trying to help them though there emotional problems. And even more difficult to keep them. My empathy has a lot to do with my guardianship. The way I view my guardianship is complicated. My guardianship is very complex to say the least. It would take a person to meet me to kind get a grasp of it. And even then most people don’t understand it completely. I sometimes don’t completely understand what good it is for. It seem to give me more hardships then anything else. Especially in my personal happiness. With my guardianship I find that it is easier not to get involved with somebody because I usually am helping someone out of problems. And sometimes it seems like love to both of us. But it is more to the fact of me helping them out of a jam. And when all the problem are solved, both of us are wondering what we really have in common. We then try and make it work, but more often then not it doesn’t work out and we end of breaking up. Granted we break up on good terms and still talk to each other. But it ends up as a friendship like it should have stayed to began with. I have also noticed that I seem to better off watching from the side, and not get involved with other people. I am a very emotional person, and also very intense. Another personality flaw. Plus I have a very additive personality. I get addicted very easily. I know that so I try and stay away from those kind of situations. Another reason that I stay in the dark corner’s is because of the fact that I am doing many things at once. I usually don’t know what to say. I am quiet person most of time, unless you piss me off. Then I get really quiet. I have always learned that if you don’t have anything nice to say then just don’t say anything. Of course sometimes I don’t hold true to that. But we aren’t all perfect. And lord knows that I am not at all perfect. But if you notice that I am really not talking to you very much, stop and think did you say something that pissed me off. I usually do give you a warning before I explode on you. and I hold a grudge for a long time. Sometimes to long, but oh well. But one of the biggest reason’s that I stay in my corner is because I really don’t like people all that much. I know that sounds kind mean, but it is true. I have found that a lot of people are too stupid to carry on an intellectual conversation. An unfortunate condition on out society to have the attention span of a 2 year old. They call it part of the MTV generation, call it what you want the fact remains for the most part people can’t hold a conversation. I personally wish people could hold a conversation about a good subject, not just sports or something stupid like that. The other part of a conversation that most people don’t realize is that you have to also listen to the other side. Not flood the conversation with just your thoughts. You have to listen more, and that is one thing that I do take pride in. The fact that I listen more then most people do. I always have been a better listener then anything else. Most of the time I don’t know what to say to certain subjects. I of course do have my own opinion
Friends
The word friends takes on a special meaning to me. See I really don't have that many of them. It's my own fault really because I don't let anyone to close to me. I've been hurt by to many so called friends that I don't trust people for the most part. I know that's not a very healthy way of looking at it but it keeps me from getting hurt again. There are a lot of asshole out in the world that only care about themselves. Not to say that everyone is that way but I have found that most people are only concerned about one person. Them, I know not everyone is like that, there are some nice people out there left, but they also have been hurt too many times and are also afraid of letting people in. I tell people a little about myself but nobody really knows me. I always keep people at arms length for me. That's to keep my heart from getting hurt. Also I never tell people about my problems because I don't wanna burden anyone with my petty problems. I have always been better at solving other people's problems. I can give the best advice to someone. But when it come to me, I never do what I tell people. That's just one of my many faults. I can count the number of friends I have on one had for the most part. People are always saying that I am there friends but have no idea that I'm just a person who they really don't know. I'm the person lurking in the shadow's. Always have been, I have found it more my style them going out and seeking people out. Never really saying anything but always there to lend a helping hand. I always find myself trying to solve other people probs. It can be nice, but also has it's downfalls. One downfall is the fact that I let it get to me. I can to much and lose myself in their probs. I can't let it go until the problem is solved. Even if that means me going out a solving it for them. I know that is not good either because then the person never learns anything and will do the same thing over again sooner or later. But I can't help it. That is why I am always kinda out of it, thinking about how I can help a person with there problems. It's the only thing that I am really good at in life. So that's why I am always doing it.
Personal Hell
Hell, takes on many different meanings for different people. For the Christians tis a place of the damned. People that have sinned against god. I think of it as the here and now. I can't think of anything worse then this existence. I am living in hell. The things that have happened to me can only be explained as the torture of Hell. What people have done to me and what I have witnessed tis sure hell on earth. I know that it happens to everyone, we all have our bad times. And I'm sure mine aren't as bad as other people’s. Maybe, maybe not, tis all in the mind about what you think is bad. Now one thing that makes me believe that I am living in hell is relationships. I have had horrible luck in that department. I was engaged to be married and would be if everything turned out the way it twas to. See I dropped everything and did everything I could to make it work. Dropped out of school, and worked three jobs so she wouldn't have too. See she was a year older then I and had been going to college right out of high school. I had skipped a year and went too work. We meet at college and started going out about 2 months later. Everything was going fine for a while then she had some problems at home and wanted to move out. I told her that it is not that easy. See while I took that year off, I moved out and lived on my own for a while. Then moved back home to go to school. Now the problems at home became worse and I felt the only way to remady the situation was for her to move out. So we moved out. But the only way for us to be able to survive on our own tis for me too drop out and work full-time. The plan was after she was done with school and had landed a job in her profession, then we would get married and I would go back to school. At least that was the plan. But as I have learned, nothing goes according to plan. In this time I was working three jobs so we had enough money for her school. Then she started complaining that I was never home. Well duh, I was supporting the two of us. Anyway, three year ago on new years eve, she told me that she cheated on me. Blamed it on the fact that I wasn't there for her emotionally of physically. I told her she has a month to move all of her stuff out and to take her name off the lease. I then removed her from my life. So as you can see relationships aren't my strong point.
Saying goodbye
I had to tell a friend goodbye today. She said it was for the best. She kept on telling me that I would never understand. The thing that annoys me is that she didn't even try and tell me. That hurt a lot, people I understand a lot more then people know. Or that I let on. I realize that we haven't know each other all that long. But I have tried to be there for her. When she had her breakdown, she wouldn't let me in. Like it would be a major sin to let me in. Now I wasn't gonna pry people that wouldn't have solved anything. But closing me out made me more crazy then if she just would of. I was scared shitless people of what she might be going though. I had to let her go, even though I didn't wanna. She told me that she wanted to go and visit her father in NC. I gave her the 300 dollars she needed to get there. I know, that sound really wrong, but tis the way I am. Now she told me that she would pay me back as soon as she could. Now I know I will probity never see that money again, but then again tis not the money I'm worried about. Tis her, I hope that I'm doing the right thing. Only time will tell. I guess in my mind I thought it would be for the best. I had plenty of time to think about what I was doing before I gave her the money. That was the most difficult thing to deal with. I had the money, but should I. At ten p.m. she meet me at work, and we talked for a few. Well was more like 30mins, but the I gave her the money. She gave me a note and told me to read it. In the note she explained everything to me, she told me that she could say it to me in person. I understood more with the note. But still wondered if I did the right thing. She seems happier, and I hope that it stays that way. And if she does, that's all that matters.
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