More stuff
More Stuff
Why Me of All PPL
There are so many emotions that I have been feeling as of late. Anger, self-loathing,
depression, and self-pity. I feel as though I can do nothing late. Though this is not really a new emotion, it hurts none the less. The meds that I have been taking aren’t working yet again. And my doctor things that I should stop working again for a while. Happy Happy Joy Joy. I know that lots of ppl suffer from depression yet most don’t have it as bad as me. I still remember one of the things that my doctor said when we started going. He said that he is surprised about a few things. 1: I don’t drink 2: I don’t do drugs and 3rd that I have killed myself yet. For my depression is one of the bad cases. Plus there are other thing that go along with it to make it worse. It isn’t just the depression there is anxiety, and low self-esteem. As I have said, what is self-esteem for I have never had it. Which is true. I also am my own worse critic, any punishment anyone else gives me is nothing considering what kinda punishment I put myself though. For the most part I keep ppl at arms length. Not really on purpose, just something that I do. Though sometimes I wanna change that, I don’t know how. Now I know lots of ppl have been hurt but for me it is different. I also know that there are a lot of ppl who have had it a lot worse off then I have. But in some aspects, they life is so much easier then mine. I also seem to make things worse even if I am trying to do good. Granted in some aspects I can help ppl thought there problems cos I have been there myself. But I always seem to mess things up when it come to other ppl. I only really have one good friend. Now granted I know that we will stay in touch, but sometimes I wonder considering the fact that he is moving about 3 hrs away. And we me not having a car, makes thing kinda hard. Plus the long distance bill would be huge. We will still have emails and ICQ, but thanks to net zero and there new stupid 40 hrs a month I can’t talk all that much online anymore. I am thinking about getting a new provider one that I have to pay for, but there lies a problem. No money coming in make it hard to buy stuff like that. For thanks to new meds, and other things, I don’t have a job. I would like one but, the side effects from the meds make me tired all the time, and sometimes very dizzy. I have been one at least 30 different meds to make my metal illness become calm. None of them have worked. I seem to be one of those medical wonders that ppl here about but don’t wanna be. As I said about keep ppl at arms length, it has to do with that fact, that if I keep them at that length I won’t get hurt as bad. There have only been a handful of ppl that I have let in. Most of them I don’t talk to
anymore. Not really anyone’s fault, we just grew apart. They grew up, and I stayed the
same. For the last year, I have been seeing a shrink at least once a month. We did make
some headway, but then everything came crashing down again. Somehow, whenever something good starts to happen for me, it comes crashing down like a house made of
cards. I always seem to blame myself more then I should. And I always seem to dwell on
it to make it worse. Sometime I will I could get rid of my brain so that at certain points I wouldn’t have to think about stuff anymore. I really don’t wish my life upon anyone else. I know that my shrink is doing all he can to calm the furry of my brain, but a lot of the time it seem like a waste of time and that I am just destined to live my life this tortured
way................
New Start
When things are going well for me I always expect that the bottom was going to drop out on me. Because it always seemed to, at least to me it did. But now thing are looking up and for some reason the bottom hasn’t dropped. I have a stable job that I have worked at for almost 4 yrs. A personal best for me cos I usually quit or lost my job at about 2 yrs. I could blame a lot of things for the job thing. But for the most part it was my fault. And right now it is proving to myself that I can do it. Each day brings me closer to somewhat normal life. Now to somebody else that might seem a little strange. But to me it makes sense and that’s all the really matters in a way. But it isn’t just work. I have been going out and doing things with people. Again that sounds strange, but it is my nature to stay at home and shut out the world. A sort of a loner and keep to myself. Now this one I can blame somebody. It was in a way something that I had no control over. My mental issues hindered me on this front. Most of the time it was hard to leave the place that I was living in. To step out the door took a lot of telling myself that I had to do it. Even then I had a hard time breathing for a short while. Once I did go out the door I always wanted to turn around and go back inside. Once I go to the place I was going I would be ok. But the whole process to in some aspect took a lot out of me. Both mentally and physically. Another thing is that I am starting to look ahead to the future. When I was younger I thought that I would be dead by the age of 21. I thought that because I thought I would killed myself of get killed. My depression ran my life. And in some aspect and I did die at 24. A part of me, but it isn’t a part of me that I couldn’t do without. My depression and panic attacks for the most part dead. Not completely cos I do have my bad days where I do get depressed a little bit, but nothing like before. Before it ran my life, not I can keep it under control. Not let it take over like before. I have also started building up a self-esteem. For 18 yrs my father told me that I wasn’t worth a damn thing. Now you hear that enough from a parent figure, you start to believe it. Now my question that I will never get answered is my he did that to me. Now normally I expect everything to fall a part about now. But for some reason I don’t thing are. One thing has changed in a way is the way that I treat my friends. I don’t let them to me as much. As in let there problems become mine and let them bother me as much. But the while Monica thing in a way I am way to close. But it is different in my ways thought. And the only reason that I am so involved is two reasons. One is the kids, the other is the fact that I started the ball rolling. Now I spend time with them and they seem to like me also. Plus they have been going though a lot. And the same go for Monica, but in a different way. In many aspect I can let her talk about he ex openly. Her family for the most part don’t understand fully. I usually let the shit hit the fan about this time, but not this time. In fact I have never been happier then I am now. I doing things like setting up gatherings with friends. My life has never looked better and I think it shows.
Oct 2005
My writting form
Writing is my form of expression. And also my way of releasing most of feelings, fears, sorrow, and anger. Other people have other outlets, but those don’t seem to work for me as well as writing. For some reason writing about what is bothering me makes me feel better. For most people writing down how they feel is more difficult then saying them. Not to say my ramblings are all that great. At least in my eyes they aren’t all that good. Although I have been told they are. For some reason the words seem to just flow out of me. I don’t always know where they are going. It’s strange that I am able to write like this cos most people can’t. Most of the time I have music going to keep my mind off of it. I seem to write better with music going. Mostly cos the music keeps my mind busy and that I can write without distraction. A lot of people that I know say that writing something down is one of the hardest things to do. They say that putting down emotions into words in some aspects can’t be done. As I always tell them that for some reason can. For me it is easier to write it down then say it. I can write the most profound expression of things that I love, but having to say those things. For some reason I always seem to never been able to say them for the words always seem to come out the wrong way. And what I mean to say always gets mixed up. I have always seemed to be that way, at least for as long as I can remember. One of my faults though is spelling. Thought I have made it this far so why change? Another thing about my writings is that it doesn’t seem to have any form. It starts with a central idea then branches into many ideas of the main point. Then always seems to be neatly tied together. It seems to me that after I write about something I can lay it to rest. As in I don’t seem to dwell on it as much. It might be strange to other people , and in some aspect it is strange to me, but that’s how it works. I don’t know why or completely understand it. No matter what I always seem to feel better after writing. As if all the negative thought are out. Although my meds make me seem to write less, I have a feeling I will always write. And even if nobody else reads them or like them, it doesn’t really matter to me. Cos they are for me only. I guess my style and form aren’t really commercial friendly. Cos I think it would be great to make a living off doing this. I suppose that I could try and get published or something to that extent. But something tells me that they aren’t good enough for a larger group of people. And if they were who would want to read about somebody else’s problem and how they deal with them. I’m sure people would be more interested in other things then my stuff. I have tried writing more like a novel a few times, and they always fall short. In many aspects, I envy people who can write like that. Mine in a way are too personal. And who would care. Some people have told me that I should get published but I write for me. So anyway writing for my is my therapy.
Dec 2004
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