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Letting People Move In

Thing have gotten weird it seems to me. I am doing something that for the most part nobody completely understands. It is somewhat annoying when I tell people what I am doing they all say I am an idiot for it. I am getting a roommate, but that isn’t what is weird for people. It is what I am allowing to happen. I allowing him to have the bedroom while I take the living room. And that I am only charging 50 dollars. Everyone is saying that I am crazy for doing this. I personally don’t see what the big problem is. I am just trying to help somebody else out. If I have had the friends to help me out and somebody looking out for my best interest I would have made so many better choices. I have made so many mistakes that is sickening. And yet people stood behind me to help when I fell hard on times. In return I think that people when they are helped as much as I have been should give back. Personally I wish I have had friends who did for me what I seem to do I wouldn’t have let thing get out of control when I was younger. And I think I should try to do the thing that I find kewls. This time in a way is no different then Mark’s time here. This went just fine and no problems that I really know of. I mean I was kind of happy when he left, but that was cos I was wanting my space. Not for the normal reasons, cos I kind of wanted to sink into my own little shell again. I always seem to want to crawl into my own shell meaning that I wanted to be alone and shut out the word a bit. But things are different now. I don’t want to go into that shell again. I know that it is comfortable to go there. And also very easy to, but this time I am forcing myself to do it longer then with Mark. Mark was here for about 2 months and I was still testing my wings about many things. Like how I would deal with living with somebody yet again. The last time was bad, very, very bad. But we won’t go into that one. No matter what I am not doing that again. I don’t care how much I want, I am starting to change more and more. I am more determined and have the drive to do this. This is my choice and I am going to fallow though on it. No matter what I am not making the same mistakes that I made in the past. I am also going to try harder to leave my past there. But in some aspect I know I never will. I know I have talked about what my father did to me. But some wounds are to deep to heal. I don’t know if I will ever get past that one. In a lot of ways it made me who I was before. And that was a mess, not even really able to take care of myself properly. Now I think I can do that, and more. But no matter what my father and the pain from that is going to always be there. Maybe I can’t get the resolve, but who knows. Anyway by me helping somebody else feels like I am making up for my past. Also the friendship thing is always there. Like I have said about what I will do for friends and people who I know are some kind of problem. I always have to give of myself to feel like I have done something. And it isn’t for the reasons of the past and wanting the attention. In many case I don’t care about those things. It makes me feel good to help people. That is just the way I am. Now people have called me The Nice Guy. And all I have to say is that is just what I feel I should do. Like with Monica, so many people don’t understand it. I view it as there lost not to but sometimes it stings. Like when somebody found out what I did for her b-day most people didn’t understand. I personally don’t see it as that big of deal. So I gave her basically $100 to spend on clothes. But I personally didn’t think twice about it. She is my friend and is going though a hard time. So that is why I do what I do for her and the kids. Besides once you meet Alexander and Quentin it is hard not to like them. I know that the at least Alexander likes me cos he calls me “My Joe”. I don’t think it is that big of a deal but I always get story’s told to me by Monica about what Alex says about me. I know to a lot of people my ways of thinking are either too good to be true. Or that I am just acting nice to prey on the wounded. My reason for helping people out cos I am also wounded, and might be able to help them though my life experiences. But no matter if people don’t understand I will still do things this way. Now I know that I will get burned in the process and time. And that does hurt, but you can’t judge all people the same. You must take one person at a time and no matter what don’t judge until you have the full story. Because people always seem to leave out some important fact that you might need to know about what is really going on. I learned that in some aspect the really hard way with Damon. I got played in a way, ok more then in a way. I got screwed by him, and in the process got other people involved. If Monica had known about his metal issues and other things, she wouldn’t have married him so quickly. Not that she regrets having the kids, but she is in a hard place now. I know it isn’t my fault, but I do feel a little but guilty for it. Ok, more then a little, but what can I do now. I feel what I am doing is making up for the mistake of not telling Monica about everything before. I just figured that he had already told her. Now look at them. In the middle of a divorce and fighting over the kids and other things. At least I know in my heart I am doing the right thing. Also that I was doing the right thing when I started talking to Monica about what was really going on behind my best friends back. But I did have my reasons, and looking back I was right to do so. So I do feel better about that, now Monica is my friend and Damon isn’t. I know in some aspects this sounds corny but I would jump in front of a bullet for her and the kids. I view it as they are in many ways part of my family. Not my immediate family, but the one I truly trust and let inside. They are the ones that I want to understand some of the things that go on. And why I act the way I do. I act strange and goofy a lot of the time around people. But that is just a way to keep out. Plus I tell things about myself to keep people away. I am to scare to tell people about what I really feel. I can write it down, but just can’t say it. And that is the way I used to be. Even back when I was a child I hide things. Then lie about other things just to keep people away. But that isn’t healthy for me to shut out the world because of my own fears. Most people don’t know about my writings. I don’t let them read them. I know that sounds weird because I post them online. But online I can be a little bit more bold. I mean how many online people that I talk to am I really ever going to see. I can be myself online, and feel as though I have to be somebody else in the real world. I know that for most people it is the other way around, but that is just the way my mind works. But not anymore. I have to start trusting more people and let more people into my life. It is not only healthy mentally, but more emotionally. I know that it is the right thing to do. But for some reason people are only thinking about themselves. I find that a problem with today. You should care about yourself and yourself only. You should never do something just cos you are trying to help out? People say that it is weird that I spend so much money on Monica and the kids. I say if I had more I would give more. That is just the kind of person that I am. I have always been a problem solver in my life. Now granted I have scaled that one down, but in some aspect it is still there and will never go away. It makes me who I am. And if people can’t understand that one, it is there lose. Not mine. I also don’t like being crazy for doing something to help somebody. Why do we only focus on something if it a major life changing thing. A force that harms or kills people. What about the people who are homeless all the time? What about the kids who don’t know when there next meal is? If it is another country that is better cause then here. I feel in some aspects our little society needs more compassion and more about the other man. I know I repeating myself sometimes, but it does bother me. Why I have to explain myself to other people. Like letting Sara and Emily change the way this place looks. I don’t really mind because I know that I have no style of taste. I found that out a long time ago. And in many ways I am fine with that. Because some people have that and some don’t. My sister buy me the nice clothes to wear. Not just because they cost a lot of money. I do it cos I know she will buy something that goes together and looks good. And will tell me how to wear it. I am a jean and t-shirt kind of person and have no clue on what looks good on me. Plus if I really don’t like something I can just say it is my place and no. People say that I am letting them walk all over me. All three of them are going to take advantage of me. I don’t see it that way, my view is I would give somebody the shirt of my back for a friend. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for a friend. Just reading some of my old writing, my view on the friend thing hasn’t changed. I read one about me giving a friend $300 to let her get on a bus to NY and live with her father because her mom had throw her out. Now in that I said that I probity wouldn’t see that money and I haven’t. In fact I have no idea where she is or if she is happy. But it was what she wanted but couldn’t do. Now that set me back a bit, but I felt it was the right thing. I hope that if I was in real need of money that my friends would try to help. In most of them I know I could, but it is time to get out there and stop having only a few people that I let in. It is time to get out in the real world. And what I am doing is things that I wish people had done for me. And also do the things that I always did. A mix of both aspects. In some aspect I like doing thing for the good of people. I think that we all have to atone for there mistakes. And also honor the people who helped you out of a hard place in life. Those are the real people that I am most thankful for. The people who stood behind me when I screw up and fell hard. In doing what I do I am honor that. I am also changing things around me for the better. I have to stop hiding and not letting me be my true self. I was always to scared to do a lot of things. I tell people that I used to party somewhat. But I didn’t in most ways because I was to scared to do it. I had a problem even getting out. I think that my senior year I went to 2 dances. And for a total of 3 dance. I was just to scared to tell people how I felt about them. To scared to be hurt cos I was getting hurt to begin with. So as not to allow more pain I just keep people at arms length. I built a who personality just to cover the pain. I wore many masks as people say. But only letting certain people in at a time. I had a problem with relationships also, at least for the most part starting them. I don’t see the signs or play the mind games. Mostly cos I just don’t know how. I have told people and they laugh but it is true. You really do have to hit me with a Mack truck just for me to know. But I did get over one hurdle with asking somebody out. Now granted that blew up in my face but I think I have to start again. Manly cos I can’t be like that anymore. Depression and my panic attacks are not going to run my life anymore. I am, and darn it if I want to do something fun that I would have never done. Then screw it I am, and I will for the most part be right. My life goal can’t be to make it to 30 anymore. Thinking and hoping that I would be dead. You can’t think about suicide, tis not healthy. And for 24 yrs that is how I viewed things. There is more to life then death, there is something called a life. And it is about time I claimed it. A little late but at least I am showing up. Besides from all that I have read on psychology I know that is the path to beating this. Once you admit that you have a problem is when it can be solved. Everyone says that, but you have to go though with it. And for a lot of people that is a problem. Because I know that there are other people who have had my bi-polar problem and now are living a health life. I am getting there, I still stumble from time to time. But I don’t fall, and I have made up my mind that I am going to do this. My writing style has changed a little bit. More positive, and more upbeat. I know that goes against how I usually write. I find it harder to write things down for the most part. It seem in search of a normal life my writing style changed with my change mentally. I guess I do miss that part of me, it was something unique just to me. It seems now that the only time I can write like this anymore is when I am high on weed. I know that sounds horrible way of getting to my place anymore. And I know I should do weed, but a part of me want to. The part that wants nothing better then to hide. And I know I am stumbling because of it, but I miss it. It was a part of me that I cherished. One other thing that seems to be a good mood setter is slower music. Enya or something like that works really well. Sarah Mclachlan is also a really good one. For some reason those kinds of music get me thinking that way. I know that I am playing a dangers game in doing this. I could crash and burn in the wanting to write again. I could lose everything in the process of this. But you have to understand that being bi-polar is something like an addiction. Any addiction you never truly recover. You also always have the danger of falling right back again in wanting it again. I know that I go though the stage of being needy. But that is going back to my old ways. Also being to free of myself and of my money. So doing weed makes basically bi-polar again. So like I said this could be dangers game of chicken I am playing. But in some aspect I feel I have to explain myself yet again and that has triggered a lot of warning bells in my head. Wanting to screw it to it all and just disappear again. Which scares me cos then it so easily go downhill from there. Things could spiral out of control everything the I have gained, could be lost. It is a hard choice that I have to make. Living a good life without being able to do one of the things that I loved to do more then anything. Of course not the people I love. The people I seem to be even more caring. Back to my old ways of handling peoples problems. And I have explained that I get way to involved. Need to talk to them to find out if they are ok. Plus no truly telling the everything. At least about what I am thinking. I get lazy and forgetful of where I was going. Some people think that it funny, so I just play alone. Even though I am scared that this kind of behavior for me. The panic attacks act up and I can’t do the things I should. I think that is kind of one of the reason’s for wanting a roommate. And one like Dan I think will fit nicely. Plus having Emily and Sara around should keep me on my toes. And in many ways that is a good thing because everyone needs that. But one thing is for sure, I am going to stop 2 things. One is that I will one smoke herb when it is offered. I will not buy it anymore. This is my last time I am going to do that. That and the smoking of cigarette’s. I am going to give that up also. Anyway I don’t see why people think I should charge more, and for those who do. I don’t really give a damn!

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